When Art Imitates Life (And Dogs Do Their Business)
In what can only be described as the apex of absurdity, Russia, the land that brought you such classics as shirtless horseback-riding politicians and missile parades on national holidays, has once again outdone itself. This time, the country has chosen to celebrate 2024 with a new calendar featuring… defecating dogs. Yes, you read that right. Each month of the year is graced by a different image of man’s best friend doing its most natural, unglamorous duty. And, as if this wasn’t wild enough, the calendar has not only been released but has also snagged the grand prize at Russia’s prestigious National Designer Competition. What a year to be alive!
If you thought Russian art couldn’t get more surreal after they painted their tanks in pastel colors for last year’s military parade, think again. This calendar is not only an artistic statement, but a powerful political metaphor — or so they say.
January: New Year, New Woof
January greets us with a snowy Moscow backdrop and a large Siberian Husky squatting majestically near the Kremlin. The husky, of course, is doing its business, with what we can only assume is some symbolic message about Russia’s territorial ambitions — or just the consequences of feeding a dog too much borscht. The creator, Sergey “Picasso But Better” Petrov, explained this choice of imagery as a representation of the Russian people “embracing the new year with courage and… regular bowel movements”.
Sergey, who is widely known for his avant-garde approach to art (his last project involved stapling potatoes to a wall), said that the husky in January was meant to signify “strength and endurance”. The endurance part we can understand — especially if the dog had to hold it in while waiting for the perfect photo op outside the Kremlin. The strength? Well, let’s just say it takes a strong stomach to look at this calendar before breakfast.
May: Victory Day or a New Breed of “Patriotism”?
Now let’s skip forward to May, a month that is traditionally marked in Russia by the celebration of Victory Day — complete with military parades, soldiers marching through Red Square, and, apparently, pooping dogs adorned with the nation’s most sacred symbols. That’s right, the May photo features a scruffy little mutt proudly squatting under the watchful gaze of Saint Basil’s Cathedral, with a couple of Saint George ribbons tied around its neck. Nothing says “celebrating victory over fascism” like a poodle relieving itself near a war memorial.
“This is not an insult”, Petrov assured, in a tone that only someone who just placed a poop-covered dog in front of Russia’s most sacred monument can adopt. “It’s a metaphor for the current state of patriotism”. Because nothing quite says patriotism like a steaming pile on the sidewalk. According to Petrov, the ribbons symbolize “the weight of tradition”, while the dog’s expression reflects “the burden of historical memory”. Ah, yes. Because when we think of the sacrifices of WWII, our minds immediately jump to… dogs pooping? Sure, Sergey. Sure.
July: The Heat of Summer and a Dachshund’s Digestive Problems
As we roll into July, things heat up — both temperature-wise and artistically. This time, the image captures a dachshund (because, of course, it’s a dachshund) in the blazing Russian summer sun, fur glistening with sweat, as it squats under a street vendor selling ice cream. The contrast between the vendor’s smile and the dog’s look of sheer concentration truly captures the duality of the Russian summer experience: joy mixed with inconvenience.
But wait, there’s more! In the background, a half-melted ice cream cone is lying on the pavement, further solidifying the deep, philosophical message of this masterpiece. Petrov cryptically described this image as a reflection on “the ephemeral nature of summer joy and the inevitability of digestive discomfort”. If that doesn’t hit home, we don’t know what will.
October: Of Bears, Pumpkins, and Bathroom Breaks
October’s image takes a spooky turn with an unexpected Halloween twist. Here, a black Labrador poses in a pumpkin patch, surrounded by — what else — carved pumpkins shaped like Russian nesting dolls. This Labrador, however, is not interested in the festive gourds. No, our canine friend is depicted mid-squat, right in the middle of the patch. Petrov, a master of subtlety, has gone on record to say that this image “comments on the modern-day confusion of Western culture blending with Russian traditions”.
But the highlight? A small bear lurking in the background, lazily observing the dog’s display of “natural art”. The bear, Russia’s favorite national symbol, naturally watches over the scene with what can only be described as apathy. Much like the citizens, one could argue, after years of artistic and political absurdities.
November: The Poetic Power of a Borzoi
For November, Petrov shifts gears with an image that can only be described as “haunting”. A majestic borzoi, standing on a windswept field, its long, silky fur flowing in the autumn breeze. What’s it doing, you ask? Well, obviously, it’s pooping, but this time in an almost heroic pose. The dog’s soulful eyes stare into the distance, perhaps pondering the meaning of life, or simply wondering when it will be time for dinner.
Petrov insists that this particular piece is about “the persistence of the Russian spirit, even in moments of great vulnerability”. Right. Because if there’s one thing that screams “Russian spirit”, it’s a dog using the bathroom in a wheat field.
The Grand Prize: Why Russia Loves Defecating Dogs
To the surprise of absolutely no one, this avant-garde calendar was awarded the highest honor at Russia’s National Designer Competition. Petrov’s poop-oozing opus beat out other contenders like a mosaic of Vladimir Putin made entirely out of sunflower seeds and a papier-mâché replica of the Moskva river constructed from old potato sacks. The judges, clearly overcome with emotion (or possibly laughter), praised the calendar for its “bold commentary on the human condition”. Or was it the canine condition? We’re losing track.
Russia’s state-run media hailed the calendar as “an artistic revolution” and “a defiant symbol of resistance against Western decadence”. Because, let’s face it, nothing screams defiance like a Pomeranian with constipation issues.
International Reactions: Shock, Awe, and a Lot of Eye-Rolling
While Russia has embraced this project with open arms, the international community has been somewhat… less enthusiastic. Critics in the West have called it “vulgar”, “tasteless”, and, perhaps most accurately, “bizarre”. But Petrov is undeterred. “The West doesn’t understand true art”, he said, in an interview with state television. “They think art is about beauty, but I know it’s about reality. And what’s more real than this?”
Indeed, Petrov has doubled down, announcing plans for a follow-up project: a series of public sculptures depicting dogs in various stages of doing their business, all made out of recycled plastic. The first of these sculptures will reportedly be placed in front of Moscow’s Bolshoi Theatre. Truly, the art world has never seen such innovation.
Russia, Keep Doing You
So there you have it: a defecating dog calendar, the latest triumph in Russian artistry, reminding us all that art is, above all, subjective. Is this calendar a cutting-edge political statement? A critique of society? Or just a weird way for Sergey Petrov to immortalize his favorite pets?
We may never know. But one thing’s for sure — when it comes to making the world shake its head in confusion, Russia never disappoints.
Here’s to 2024, the Year of the Squatting Dog. May it bring us all the same level of relief.
