By PoopsNews Investigative Team
In late 2015, Moscow witnessed the opening of what was supposed to be the pinnacle of avant-garde dining, a beacon of modern, post-ironic art wrapped in a porcelain embrace: Crazy Toilet Café. This establishment, inspired by the Asian trend of toilet-themed restaurants, promised to be a wild ride for both your palate and your plumbing. Instead, it took a swift nosedive into the annals of culinary catastrophes.
What began as a quirky novelty quickly spiraled into something far more unsavory. Two months after its grand opening on the famed Arbat street, the café unceremoniously shut its doors. For years, Moscow’s café culture circles whispered wild tales of what really happened. Was it bad management? A lack of customers? A plague of plumbing issues, perhaps?
After a tireless investigation, PoopsNews can now exclusively reveal the horrifying truth behind the café’s spectacular fall from grace. Buckle up, dear readers, because this tale is both absurd and profoundly disturbing. Turns out, Crazy Toilet Café had crossed lines no one dared to imagine — serving cupcakes filled with real feces from none other than the head chef!
Yes, you read that correctly. Cupcakes. With a filling of the chef’s own fecal matter.
A Trend Gone Horribly Wrong
In theory, the concept seemed simple and harmless enough: a toilet-themed café where guests could dine on food served in miniature toilet bowls, surrounded by bathroom fixtures turned into décor. It was meant to be fun, irreverent, a bit gross but ultimately a laugh. After all, toilet humor is the universal language, is it not?
The café’s menu was initially quite tame. Patrons could order “Flushes of Fun” (drinks served in urinal-shaped glasses) or sample dishes like “Brownie Bowel Explosion” or “Swirly Surprise” (a suspiciously brown ice cream sundae, though at the time, no one questioned its origins).
Yet, as the weeks passed, the café’s owners — whose identities are being withheld for legal reasons — began to crave something more shocking, something that would “cement” (pun intended) their place in Moscow’s cultural history. According to former employees who spoke to us on the condition of anonymity, it wasn’t long before a plan was hatched to take the concept to “the next level”.
The Excremental Masterpiece
The café’s owners allegedly wanted to turn their quirky toilet theme into something unforgettable, a “gastro-experience” like no other. And thus, they sought to create what they called “The Exclusive From the Chef” — a dish so unique, so daring, that it would send shockwaves through Moscow’s dining scene. But instead of thinking outside the box, they decided to… well, think inside the chef.
In a move that would make even the most hardened prankster blush, the chefs were instructed to incorporate a secret ingredient into their gourmet cupcakes: real, personal fecal matter from the head chef. Yes, this is not a typo. The chef himself contributed the “special filling” for these cupcakes, which were then served to unsuspecting customers.
Initially, this “experiment” was confined to a secret, off-menu item, available only to a few brave (or terribly unlucky) souls who dared to ask for “the chef’s special”. These unsuspecting victims, however, were never informed of what exactly made the dish so “special”. They were merely told it was “an experience of a lifetime”.
Well, it certainly was. But not in the way they might have hoped.
The Great Fecal Cover-Up
How did they get away with it, you ask? Moscow is not exactly known for its lax health codes, especially when it comes to something as delicate as serving poop-infused cupcakes. Yet, the owners of Crazy Toilet Café had found a loophole, quite literally, in their back-end operations. Our sources revealed that the fecal matter was smuggled into the kitchen in small batches directly from the chef, carefully mixed into the cupcake filling to ensure consistency.
For weeks, patrons unknowingly dined on this unspeakable delicacy, oblivious to the fact that their “exclusive” meals were filled with the chef’s own personal “contribution”. By all accounts, no one seemed to suspect anything untoward. In fact, a few patrons reportedly praised the café for its “bold, earthy flavors” and “daring approach to texture”.
But as with all scandals of such magnitude, the truth was bound to leak. And leak it did.
The Smell of Trouble
It wasn’t long before rumors began to circulate. A handful of patrons fell ill, but nothing serious enough to immediately raise alarms. However, when one unlucky diner — a self-proclaimed foodie and Instagram influencer — posted a lengthy review online, claiming the chef’s special “tasted suspiciously like something that should never be in a cupcake”, the Internet erupted in speculation. Was this simply an exaggeration, the result of too many toilet jokes taken literally, or was something more sinister at play?
The Moscow health department soon launched an investigation, and what they uncovered shocked even the most hardened officials. Samples taken from the kitchen were found to contain traces of actual human waste, directly linked to the head chef. The café was shut down immediately, and a full-scale investigation was launched.
Justice Flushed
The owners of Crazy Toilet Café were quickly arrested and charged with multiple counts of endangering public health, fraud, and, oddly enough, “misuse of human waste”, a law that exists in Russia, apparently. Their trial became a media sensation, with headlines across the country screaming phrases like “Culinary Crime” and “Poopgate”.
During the trial, the owners attempted to defend their actions, claiming that they were merely “pushing the boundaries of modern art” and that their customers “knew what they were getting into” by dining at a toilet-themed establishment. The judge was unimpressed, and in a fitting twist of fate, the owners were sentenced to serve time in one of Russia’s notorious prisons.
Ironically, prison life has reportedly been a seamless transition for the disgraced restaurateurs. According to sources, their familiarity with fecal matter has made them the “kings of the latrines” in their penal colony. One can only hope that this is where their gastronomic ambitions will come to an end.
Lessons in Bad Taste
The cautionary tale of Crazy Toilet Café serves as a reminder that some concepts, no matter how bold, should perhaps remain in the realm of metaphor. While toilet-themed restaurants may continue to thrive in parts of Asia, Moscow’s brief flirtation with the trend proved that, sometimes, it’s best not to take things too literally.
And so, Crazy Toilet Café goes down in history as a monument to bad taste — both figuratively and literally. The café that could have been Moscow’s next big thing instead flushed its future down the drain. One can only hope that future restaurateurs will exercise better judgment when attempting to merge high-concept art with the culinary world.
In the end, we at PoopsNews leave you with this thought: If you ever find yourself in a toilet-themed restaurant, be sure to ask what’s in the chef’s special. Because as we’ve learned from this debacle, sometimes the answer is far more disturbing than you’d ever imagine.
