BRUSSELS, BELGIUM — In an act of sheer desperation to revive its struggling tourism industry, the capital of Belgium has embarked on a radical, utterly bizarre, and frankly absurd plan: more statues of bodily functions. Yes, that’s right. Not satisfied with their iconic trio — Manneken Pis (the peeing boy), Jeanneke Pis (the peeing girl), and Zinneke Pis (the peeing dog) — Brussels is doubling down on scatological art. But this time, they’ve gone… lower.
With tourism down by an apocalyptic 3%, city officials have announced a groundbreaking (and bowel-breaking) initiative to erect three new statues: a pooping boy, a pooping girl, and, you guessed it, a pooping dog. The mayor’s office believes this will, against all odds, lead to a miraculous 1% uptick in tourism per statue, propelling Brussels out of its tourist drought and back into the hearts — and colons — of visitors worldwide.
The Birth of a Brown Idea
According to sources inside city hall, the idea was conceived during a late-night brainstorming session fueled by waffles, beer, and perhaps a little too much Belgian chocolate. After hours of deliberation, one junior staffer reportedly muttered, “What if we just go all in on bodily functions?” And like a bad digestive decision at 2 AM, the idea stuck.
The mayor, who was initially hesitant, was soon convinced by an economic adviser who assured him that “the more poop, the better the prospects”. Data analysts predict that with the addition of these fecal monuments, Brussels could see a net gain of up to three new visitors per month — a significant increase given the current tourist downturn, which city officials have described as “catastrophic” but also “manageable if we really lean into the potty humor”.
The Statues: A Detailed Vision
In keeping with tradition, the pooping boy — already dubbed Manneken Plop — will be installed next to his peeing counterpart, forever immortalized in a squatting pose of glory. Sources say he’ll even have a detachable bronze poop for those wanting the ultimate Brussels souvenir.
Next up, the pooping girl — Jeanneke Drop — will squat proudly opposite her urinating sister in the city’s historic district, where she is expected to be a major tourist magnet. “Who wouldn’t want a selfie with that?” asked the mayor rhetorically, apparently unaware of the complex emotions his city’s visitors might experience when confronted with such a sight.
But the pièce de résistance, the true magnum opus of this fecal triptych, is the pooping dog — Zinneke Poop. A full replica of Brussels’ beloved peeing canine, except, well, doing the other thing. The statue will be strategically placed in the heart of the city’s shopping district, where, according to city planners, “the mixture of high-end boutiques and low-brow toilet humor will create an irresistible tourist experience”.
Controversy Brews: “Where’s Our Statue?” Ask LGBTQ+ Communities
While city officials seem overjoyed with their groundbreaking idea, not everyone is clapping. Brussels’ LGBTQ+ communities have voiced outrage over being excluded from the, ahem, statuesque bodily function fest. “If everyone else gets a statue, why not us?” asked one activist at a heated city council meeting. “We have the right to be part of the toilet humor too!”
In a swift response to the backlash, city officials have begrudgingly agreed to allocate space for an LGBTQ+ statue in the same artistic vein. However, details of what form this statue will take remain murky — and possibly terrifying. Early rumors suggest the inclusion of rainbow-colored excrement or an anatomically ambiguous figure performing a bodily function not yet explored by public art.
“Whatever it is”, one local resident commented, “I’m not sure I want to see it. But I’ll probably still go, you know, out of morbid curiosity”.
The Economic Forecast: Brown Gold?
Some critics argue that the new statues won’t be enough to reverse Brussels’ dire tourism slump, but the city remains optimistic. In a leaked report titled The Power of Poop: How Fecal Art Can Revitalize a City, tourism experts predict that the statues will attract niche groups who’ve previously been underappreciated by the city’s tourism board. These include:
- Fans of potty humor
- Tourists with peculiar art tastes
- Instagram influencers looking for the next “weird” background for their photoshoots
An economist who contributed to the report commented, “Sure, we may not see immediate results, but once word spreads that Brussels is the home of not one, not two, but six statues dedicated to bathroom activities, we’re going to see the weirdest tourists this city has ever witnessed — and they’re going to spend money”.
This daring plan has the full backing of the Brussels business community, which has been hard-hit by the downturn. “Look, it’s not like we have a lot of options here”, said the owner of a nearby café. “Either we embrace the poop, or we go bankrupt”.
The Cultural Divide: Are We Ready for This?
Yet for all the excitement, some Belgians are not thrilled about their city becoming the butt (pun intended) of international jokes. “First, we were known for waffles and beer, then chocolate, and now… this?” lamented one local historian. “Is this really what we want our legacy to be? A city of bodily functions?”
Others are more philosophical about the new statues. “It’s art, isn’t it?” mused a Brussels art critic. “If you can’t defecate in public, how free are you, really?”
The mayor, on the other hand, remains steadfast. “This isn’t just about poop”, he explained in a recent press conference. “It’s about expression. It’s about pushing the boundaries of what a city can be known for. Other cities have tall buildings and fancy museums. We have statues of people and animals doing their business. And soon, we’ll have even more of them”.
What Happens Next?
As the city prepares for the unveiling of these new statues, there are still many questions left unanswered. Will the statues be interactive? Will they inspire a new wave of bathroom-themed tourism in Europe? Will the LGBTQ+ statue out-weird the pooping boy? The city remains tight-lipped, but one thing is for sure: Brussels is on the verge of a tourism renaissance — or a total disaster.
Whatever happens, one thing is clear: if you’re planning to visit Brussels anytime soon, be prepared to see art in its rawest, most unfiltered form. The city may be banking on poop to bring tourists back, but only time will tell if their grand plan goes down the toilet — or if it’s a stroke of scatological genius.