In the depths of Reddit, where cats rule and conspiracy theories flourish, a peculiar trend has recently emerged that’s leaving the rest of the internet… speechless. Move over kombucha, step aside yoga, and forget everything you thought you knew about “wellness”. A brave new movement is here, and it’s hitting the fan — literally. We’re talking about the latest craze in bodily function optimization: pooping while standing.
That’s right, dear reader. The question you never thought to ask is now on everyone’s lips (or keyboards, anyway): “Can you poop while standing up, and should you?”
From Reddit to Reality: A New Fad Is Born
Our crack investigative team (pun intended) over at PoopsNews has been monitoring this emergent community of standing-pioneers. It all started innocently enough on a corner of Reddit known as “r/standupdefecation”, where anonymous users from California to Texas have been swapping tales of their vertical bowel victories.
“I used to think squatting was the ultimate human posture”, admits Derek “StandStrong” McCarty, a 19-year-old experimentalist from Austin, Texas, who claims to have mastered the art of the stand-up dump. “But once I embraced standing, my whole life changed. It’s efficient, liberating, and let’s be real — squatting is for cavemen”.
McCarty is one of the many influencers of this bizarre lifestyle trend, encouraging people to “unplug from the toilet matrix” and embrace a new reality — one where gravity and dignity battle fiercely, and only the bravest emerge victorious.
Why Stand?
To the uninitiated, the concept may seem, well, preposterous. But according to proponents of this peculiar practice, standing while pooping is a metaphor for modern life. In the words of Samantha “UprightAndFree” Johnson, a self-proclaimed wellness guru from Berkeley, California, “Sitting down to poop is a relic of the past, a symbol of the societal pressure to conform. Standing allows you to truly feel the experience. It’s raw, it’s real, and it’s not something you should be afraid of”.
Johnson goes on to explain the physiological benefits of standing. Or rather, what she claims are physiological benefits. “By standing, you’re aligning your chakras in ways that sitting simply doesn’t allow”, she says. “It opens up your digestive tract, connects you to the earth, and really gets your energy flowing. Plus, it’s eco-friendly. Less contact with the toilet seat means less water used in cleaning. And don’t even get me started on squatty potties — they’re tools of oppression”.
Some enthusiasts even claim that standing while pooping provides an invigorating, almost spiritual experience. “The rush of adrenaline as you feel the drop — it’s primal”, says McCarty with a knowing smirk. “It’s like skydiving, but, you know, with different consequences”.
A Standing Tradition: Historical Roots
Of course, every modern trend must have some historical justification, and the stand-up defecation community is no different. In their origin stories, they cite ancient cultures, from the ancient Egyptians to the Druids of Stonehenge, as early adopters of the standing poo.
“Pharaohs didn’t sit to poop. Do you think Cleopatra had time for that?” asks Reddit user “GoldenCrownPoo”, who claims to be an amateur historian from Fresno, California. “No way. She ruled Egypt standing tall, and that included her trips to the chamber pot”.
Others in the community argue that standing is part of our evolutionary heritage. “Humans evolved to be upright”, says McCarty. “So, obviously, our digestive system is optimized for that posture. Look at animals! They stand! They don’t sit in porcelain chairs”.
Does any of this make scientific sense? Absolutely not. Did we reach out to a single gastroenterologist for comment? Also no. But this is PoopsNews, and we’re here to report the facts as we find them on Reddit. If you want accuracy, try National Geographic.
A Growing Community
Standing enthusiasts have become so dedicated to their craft that they’ve developed entire techniques. From the “lean forward and hope for the best” to the more advanced “wall brace”, these heroes of innovation have expanded the frontier of human experience in ways only the most absurd thinkers could imagine.
“I have a two-foot plunger that I keep handy for when things go sideways”, says another Redditor, known only as “TallStool”. TallStool claims to have perfected a method that allows for maximum efficiency and minimal splashback — a challenge, he admits, for the untrained. “The trick is to control the descent”, he explains. “It’s all about angling and balance. You can’t just let gravity do all the work”.
When pressed on whether this practice is practical for daily life, McCarty shrugs. “It’s not about practicality. It’s about freedom. Besides, who needs practicality when you have a community?”
What the Critics Are Saying
Naturally, the idea of standing to defecate has sparked fierce debate among the more, shall we say, traditional factions of society. Our PoopsNews correspondent tracked down some skeptical individuals, but many were too embarrassed to go on record. However, a few brave souls did speak out against this standing revolution.
“It’s completely ridiculous”, says 63-year-old retired plumber, Bob Jenkins from Dallas, Texas. “You’re just asking for a mess. I’ve been working with toilets for over 40 years, and trust me, there’s a reason we sit down. Gravity is your friend when you’re seated, not when you’re standing. People think they’re innovating, but they’re just reinventing the wheel — and that wheel is covered in… well, you know”.
Even so, Jenkins admits that this may be the future. “I guess weirder things have happened”, he concedes. “Maybe standing will be the new norm. I don’t get it, but I didn’t get TikTok either”.
The Future of Pooping: What’s Next?
As the debate rages on, standing defecation continues to gain followers across the U.S. and beyond. A recent PoopsNews poll showed that, while most people still sit like reasonable adults, an astonishing 3% of respondents had considered trying to poop while standing. That number skyrockets to 12% when filtering for Reddit users under 30.
Johnson believes that standing while pooping is just the beginning. “This is a revolution, but it’s not the end of the story”, she says. “Next, we’re going to explore options like pooping while in full sprint or perhaps even upside down. The possibilities are endless”.
For the rest of us, who still believe in the sanity of the sit, the trend may be baffling, absurd, and, quite frankly, disturbing. But one thing is for sure: standing poopers are here to stay, and they’re not going to take this sitting down.
So, dear reader, the choice is yours. Will you remain chained to the porcelain throne of the past, or will you stand tall and let gravity guide your future? Only time — and probably Reddit — will tell.
