The Outlandish Return of “Girls Don’t Poop”
In an unprecedented convergence of scientific skepticism and cultural nostalgia, two of the most innovative fringe communities — flat-earthers and anti-vaxxers — have banded together in their newest mission: to convince the world that “Girls Don’t Poop”. Yes, you read that correctly — because what could be more pressing in 2024 than revisiting an old meme from the depths of the early internet? Apparently, the planet being flat and vaccines being microchip delivery systems wasn’t enough. These visionaries now seek to change our perception of basic human biology.
The movement, dubbed Operation Sweet Scent, has swept through obscure Facebook groups, Telegram channels, and even a few YouTube comment sections, where the phrase “Girls Don’t Poop” has taken on a life of its own. Led by none other than Supreme Leader Danny, the self-proclaimed “PhD in Googling”, the movement argues that everything we know about human digestion is a lie — a conspiracy created by Big Toilet Paper to sell more products. And why target women, you ask? According to Danny, “It’s all about keeping femininity sacred”. Of course, it is.
A Beautifully Crafted Conspiracy
In a recent press conference streamed live from Danny’s mom’s basement, the Supreme Leader explained the movement’s rationale: “Think about it. When have you ever actually seen a girl poop?” he asked, as the dozen attendees nodded in unison. “Exactly. We’ve been lied to for centuries. Women are biologically superior. Their bodies absorb everything”. This, he asserts, is just science — the type that the mainstream media refuses to acknowledge.
According to Danny, the origins of this global cover-up are linked to ancient civilizations, where it was known that women possessed a mystical ability to transmute waste into pure energy. Historians, scientists, and anyone with a shred of common sense have been quick to dismiss these claims, but that hasn’t stopped the movement from gaining momentum. And as Danny likes to remind his followers, “They said Galileo was crazy, too”.
With the power of memes, misspelled hashtags, and a shared disdain for rational thought, Operation Sweet Scent has found an unexpected ally in the flat-earth and anti-vax communities. Their ability to unite under a banner of disbelief in literally everything has birthed a movement so absurd, even satire struggles to keep up.
A Scientific Breakdown… Or Not
The pseudoscience behind this latest campaign is as intricate as it is nonsensical. According to an anonymous source (who, incidentally, is also Danny’s best friend), female digestive systems are built to operate on a “higher vibrational frequency” than men’s. Apparently, this “higher vibe” allows women to process food without producing waste, as the body channels the nutrients into “sacred feminine energy fields”. To really drive the point home, Danny and his followers cite a study published by the Institute for Alternative Facts, a respected institution in the world of people who don’t believe in institutions.
To clarify, the Institute for Alternative Facts doesn’t actually exist. But why let that stop them?
“I’ve been married for 12 years, and I can tell you with absolute certainty: I have never seen my wife poop”, said Roger McIgnorant, a staunch flat-earther and veteran anti-vaxxer, in an interview conducted via smoke signals to avoid government surveillance. “This movement — this truth — is going to change the world. Girls are like beautiful, delicate flowers. Do flowers poop? Exactly”.
Roger, who’s best known for his YouTube channel “TruthWarrior69”, has been instrumental in linking the flat-earth community’s passion for alternative facts with the Girls Don’t Poop initiative. He even posted a video titled “How NASA, Pfizer, and Charmin Are Lying to You” — which has since gained approximately 12 views, most of which were Roger refreshing the page.
Celebrities Get Involved (Because of Course They Do)
No fringe movement is complete without a celebrity endorsement. And while A-listers have so far stayed away from this particular cause, it’s only a matter of time. Recently, YouTuber turned self-help guru Crystal Vibes, best known for selling crystal-infused vegan supplements, offered her support. “I’ve always known that my body operates on a different frequency”, she said while casually sipping kombucha during a TikTok live stream. “Like, we’re queens. We’re not like… guys or whatever. This whole pooping thing is just part of the patriarchy’s plan to, like, control our vibes”.
Soon after Crystal’s statement, the hashtag #GirlsDontPoop trended briefly on Twitter, mainly because no one could believe anyone would actually say something like that in public. Still, Crystal remains unphased by the backlash. “Haters are just lower-vibe beings. I’m here to spread love, light, and the truth that we queens don’t poop”, she declared, before disappearing into an infrared sauna.
Social Media and the Downward Spiral
Operation Sweet Scent has gained a cult-like following, as more and more individuals reject centuries of scientific understanding in favor of an idea rooted in pure absurdity. Followers, who refer to themselves as “The Odorless Ones”, claim that the world is on the verge of a paradigm shift, and that soon, “Big Sanitation” will be exposed as the oppressive force it truly is.
“We’re just asking questions”, said Karen Q, a leading figure in the movement’s Twitterverse. “Like, why is there a toilet in every bathroom if not to make us believe that pooping is real? Ever think about that?” Karen’s expertise comes from years of homeschooling her children with textbooks she wrote herself, and she’s confident that Operation Sweet Scent will soon unveil even more “truths” about human biology — ones that the mainstream medical community has apparently been too scared to acknowledge.
On Reddit, the “r/GirlsDontPoop” thread has already reached nearly 37 members, who spend their days debating how far-reaching the conspiracy goes. Some believe it’s tied to ancient aliens, while others think it might be connected to chemtrails, or even the Illuminati. One user posited that the moon landing was faked just to keep the “pooping narrative” alive. It’s truly a melting pot of ideas, none of which make any sense.
The Reaction from the Scientific Community
Unsurprisingly, the scientific community has dismissed these claims as pure lunacy. Dr. Samantha ActualScientist, a professor of biology at a university you’ve actually heard of, held a press conference to address the issue. “There is no scientific evidence — none — to suggest that women, or any human, can function without eliminating waste. This movement is the epitome of pseudoscience and misinformation”.
But try telling that to the Odorless Ones. In response to Dr. ActualScientist’s remarks, Danny took to his Facebook page to fire back: “Of course she would say that. She’s part of the system! She probably poops at least three times a day!”
The conflict between flat-earthers, anti-vaxxers, and the rest of the pooping world seems to be reaching a boiling point. Already, there are reports of protests being planned outside public restrooms, with signs reading “Flush the Lies” and “Stop the Poopaganda”.
What’s Next for Operation Sweet Scent?
While it’s unclear how long this movement will last, or whether it will inspire further bizarre claims, one thing is certain: Operation Sweet Scent is shaping up to be the weirdest conspiracy of 2024. In a world where flat-earth theories and anti-vaccine misinformation can gain traction, it seems even the most absurd ideas have their moment in the spotlight.
But for now, we can all rest easy knowing that somewhere out there, a group of people is bravely standing up for their right to believe that women, much like unicorns, exist in a realm free from bodily functions.
Because if girls don’t poop — who’s to say what else they’ve been keeping from us?
